Three years ago, my discontentment started small: with my city, my neighborhood, and my home. Since then, it has only grown. It has included everything from my image and fashion (or lack thereof; see my previous post, On Being Girly), to my social circles and the uncertainty of where I belong (hello, why did nobody tell me that I would still struggle with this in my thirties?!), and has extended well past our home and on to the things we fill it with. This last one? It's the thorn in my flesh as of late. And it is never-ending. I have become convinced that things like comparison, jealousy, and discontentment are where the soul goes to die.
Somewhere along the way, I totally bought into the
American Dream. I thought that the older you get, the more stuff you
have and the nicer that stuff is. Nevermind that this myth is in
complete contradiction to real life, because at least in my case, the
older I've gotten, the more kids I have and the more they eat all our
food and ruin all our stuff. I believed the lie that when you are in
your thirties it's no longer stressful when your heater breaks or your
car needs maintenance or your kid gets a virus and you buy all the
medicine from all the stores hoping to make it go away. For some reason,
I thought money fell from the sky like manna and that real grown ups in
their thirties would laugh in the face of unexpected expenses because
they would obviously have all the resources to handle it. And perhaps
the biggest lie of all? I have come to believe that homes are less about
shelter and safety and family and community and hospitality and
memories and rest and more about a place to showcase all my trinkets in
hopes that they would paint an amazing picture of who I am. And by who I
am, what I really mean is who I want to be.
It's all
lies. And quite honestly, I have believed them good and well. I'm not
even sure what my deal is because DJ and I are doing perfectly fine. We
have all that we need.
We eat too well, go on dates, take little trips, have a lot of second dinners, and have a lovely
home that the Lord miraculously provided for us. We are not struggling or hurting or anxious, and like Paul
mentions in
Philippians 4, we have walked through seasons of plenty (hello freshly
married two income couple without kids! We were rich and didn't even
know it!) to seasons of need where it literally felt like God was
stripping our money like Gideon's army (hello two layoffs that we didn't
know were coming and how they ended up being the best times of our
lives!). And in both times of abundance
and times of uncertainty, He has provided more than we could ever
imagine and Has cared for each of our needs in full.
But just because we
have all that we need and then some doesn't mean that my heart isn't
always longing for bigger. And better. And more. And it certainly
doesn't mean I don't struggle to want all the
stuff I don't have. Or to be more accurate, wanting the appearance of being able to afford
those things even if I don't actually want them myself. And just because we are
doing okay, doesn't mean we aren't making sacrifices. Because we are. A
lot of
them. Choosing to say yes to staying at home with my kids means that we
are also choosing to say no to a plethora of other things and it's not
always easy. In fact, it can be really hard. So often I find myself just
wishing to get to the place where
buying the kids clothes and paying school tuition and getting my nails
done just for fun could feel less like things that make my pits sweat
and more like things I can do with a kind of carefree spirit that lets
us do all the fun and extra things without it feeling like they are such
a big decision every time. And each time I have this thought, I feel like the
Spirit intercedes and reminds me that maybe we will never have that kind
of freedom with money. Maybe we will always be kept in a place of
having just what we need, with little to nothing more, so that each
decision is one we have to take before the Lord and ask for His wisdom
and guidance and direction rather than moving on without considering Him
at all. Which is exactly what I would do if I were in the position to
do so.
God is teaching me a lot about discontentment and
the love of money these days. He is showing me things like...
The bible has so much to say about finances and possessions and none of it sounds like the American Dream to me. From what I am learning, and as Melissa Kruger has so eloquently put it, the biblical expectation of the Christian life is not one of upward mobility, but of humble service. It is not presented as a life of ease, but one of toil and struggle; a life frequently compared to that of a battle, a marathon, or childbirth rather than a climb up the corporate ladder into a cloud made of money. I've never fought in a battle because I'm not interested in dying, and I've never competed in a marathon because I don't like signing myself up for hard on purpose, but I have experienced natural childbirth and that example alone is enough to help me understand that my short time here on earth is perhaps more about labor and strife than I want it to be.
The bible also says that riches and honor and the earth and everything in it comes from God, but that each of those things are to be used for Him and His glory instead of on myself. Just a little PSA: that's not my natural tendency with money. I want all the clothes and all the date nights and all the food. All for myself, and a little bit for DJ. And none for my kids, because when it comes to food I agree with Joey from Friends:
God warns us not to put our hope or peace in our wealth because it can dwindle in a moment, but to put our trust in Him and His Kingdom, both of which will last forever.
Even more contrary to popular belief, the bible says that the more we give away, the more we will have, the more our riches will increase, and the more joy and peace and contentment we will find. If I didn't believe the bible was the absolute true word of God, I would think that might be the biggest oxymoron I ever heard, because everything in me thinks that sounds just a little bit backwards and I have a hard time following through with that command and believing in what it says.
The bible goes on. It says that the righteous give freely and do not hold back, but this is also a hard one for me because everything in my heart seems to scream otherwise, similar to the way a toddler yells "MINE!" when faced with the dilemma of sharing or hoarding. The truth is, I really am just a big toddler at heart, it's just not socially appropriate for me to behave like one in public.
God also counsels us that wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but that saving little by little leads to great growth, which is good news for us, because little by little is all we have.
Proverbs 15 alone had a lot to teach me about discontentment and love of money. It says that the home of the righteous has much treasure, but my favorite thing about this is that I'm pretty sure that treasure has nothing to do with bank accounts and material items but everything to do with peace and joy and comfort and love, all of which truly are the greater treasures, are they not? That passage goes on to say that it is better to have a little with fear of the Lord, than a lot of money and all the trouble that comes with it. Even more convicting is when it says a simple dinner with friends and loved ones is better than a fancy dinner full of hatred. Do you want to know an honest little secret? My heart has responded to Pinterest and social media and magazines and real life friends by actually becoming embarrassed of my home and no longer wanting to have people in it. Because my home doesn't look perfect and it's not lovely or the most up to date or look like everyone else's and apparently I'd rather shut myself in and become a recluse than let people see my unfarmhoused home. Not only am I tempted to stop having people over, but I also struggle to go to others' homes as well because apparently it's a breeding ground for the discontentment in my heart. It turns into a battle every time, as I look around at what others have and how fresh and pretty and trendy their homes look compared to mine, and I come home feeling like I'm just not cool or rich or decorative enough.
My heart is ugly and yet there is further instruction for me still. God says that wisdom and understanding are better than money and integrity and that a good name is better than riches, but sometimes I truly believe that wooden counter tops and white cabinets and new furniture would be better than dealing with the intricacies of my heart.
God tells us that one's life does not consist in the abundance of our possessions, that the things we have do not last, that we cannot take them with us when we die, that the point of our possessions is to share with those in need, and that it is possible to find peace and contentment in even the most limited and lacking of seasons.
He tells me not to be afraid when another man grows rich or the glory of his home increases and reminds me that no one takes any of it with them when they die, but afraid and jealous and comparing is exactly what I do despite His sound instruction that encourages me otherwise.
There are many warnings to the rich, such as how hard it is for them to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, how easily it can lead to greed and stinginess, how it can actually result in great lack, how riches are unable to satisfy, how money can lead to oppression, and how with it many are tempted away from God. And yet I want all those things despite the red flag warnings that come with them.The bible probably says a lot more on the subject, but these are the ones I'm working through right now. Obviously God has a lot to say about this struggle of mine. And obviously I still have a lot to learn.
I've been doing Jennie Allen's bible study called Stuck and in it she refers to this blog post from Katie Davis Majors. It was so good that I thought I'd make my own similar list of sacrifices we are making and joys we are finding in this season. Things like:
- I want a nice yard with beautiful landscaping, but even more than that I am thankful that my husband chooses to devote a simple hour and half to yard work each week that keeps the yard nice and trimmed, rather than spending the entire weekend in the yard making it beautiful while we are in a season of littles who need their daddy and a momma who needs his help. I keep reminding myself that a day is coming when the boys will be older and bigger and can help their daddy in the yard and it will be a win win that they can bond and make the yard beautiful at the same time, but right now it's more of a win to have daddy helping inside rather than out and I am more than okay with that. We may not have freshly planted flowers but we do have weeds and sidewalk chalk and muddy diggers and that's just the reality of what our life looks like right now.
- I really, really want a pretty rug on my living room floor, but more than I want to spend several hundred dollars, I've settled on introducing my kids to the joy and simplicity of pallets made of blankets because that's what my mom did for me and I have the fondest memories of being cuddled up and watching TGIF with her for the entire duration of the 90's. And let's be honest, the pallet is more comfortable than a rug anyway and has led to countless hours of snuggling and reading and wrestling and pillow fights and good father-son time, none of which we were having near this much of when we were palletless. It's hot pink and ghetto and it's become a permanent part of our living room so don't judge us the next time you come over. Plus, Crosby (and probably my kids, too) would just pee on a new rug anyway so the pallet life is here to stay for now.
- I would love to go shopping whenever I feel like it and have a date night out once a week and get my hair and nails done and have all the massages in the world and DJ keeps telling me that I can have all these things and more if I want them. I just need to go and get a job if so. But more than I want those things and the job that would allow me to buy them, I want to stay at home with my boys and raise them and educate them and disciple them and watch them grow up because it really does happen in the blink of an eye. It's a blessing to stay at home and I want to be more thankful for that than all the manicures money could buy. Except just kidding because if I went and got a job, I couldn't afford manicures because I would be paying for child care. Duh.
- More than all the promotions and all the money, late work nights, business trips, and increased hours that comes with them, I praise God for my husband who has willingly put a cap on how high of a position he will take in this season because he values being at home with our family and wants to spend the little bit of time he has with our boys before its time to tuck them in at night. Also, I am so thankful for his heart that has found so much joy and fulfillment in ministry and non-profits even when the corporate world clearly has so much more to offer. He's choosing to make big career sacrifices in this season and that is something I don't want to change for the world.
- It'd be really great to have new furniture, but more than that I don't want snot and pee and flattened cushions that inevitably happens when living with children and I am striving hard to just embrace the older, perfectly fine, decently cute, and comfortable deep cushioned couches we already have.
- I really wish I had chosen neutral paint colors for my house like everyone else has, but instead of re-painting the walls I am trying to be content with the color that we have. It might not be featured on Pinterest, but I want to remember that color is fun and breathes life into space and that it's okay for my home to look like me instead if like you, even if I secretly wished it was the other way around.
- I'd like to have a never ending supply of play money. When we were young marrieds, we each got about $200 spending money a month, but now that we are parents with two kids and live on a single income, we each get $30 which sounds laughable in comparison but has proven to be plenty. Really, when all I spend money on is books and the occasional dinner with friends, I'm pretty sure that the little I have is more than enough and I am grateful. For every season that God has stripped us down, He has proven that a little is all we really need.
- Sometimes I feel pressure to sign my kids up for all the things but I don't know why when DJ and I don't even want to spend our time or money on those things right now. So instead, I will fight to be thankful for simple days where we get to stay in our PJ's until 4:00 and never feel rushed to be out the door by any certain point and have nobody's schedule to adhere to but our own. I know that the days of schedules and games and classes and places to be are one day coming and I'm not in any hurry to get there.
- A pool! It would be really fun to have a pool in our backyard. But the reality is that we cannot afford a home with a pool so we've settled for the blow up kind. And it's ugly and embarrassing, but my kids don't notice or care and I'm trying not to either. Sometimes we put water in it. And sometimes, we just fill it with blankets and wrestle around instead. Just making the most of our money, ya'll.
- Oh, and I really really want a clean house. Before we had kids, I cleaned once a week and freaked out any time I saw footprints on our floor. But now? The house is picked up and it's the most I am willing to do in this season. Because if I mopped the floor, I would never let my kids play in the sprinklers or dig in the dirt because heaven forbid they drag those kind of footprints through the house and make my work be all in vain. I would also never let them eat because my lanta, crumbs galore. So instead, I choose not to mop and my house isn't spotless, but my kids are (hopefully) having fun and I have got to learn to be okay with that for now, even when a little bit of me really does die inside over every grain of sand or bread crumb on the floor.
Much love,
courtney
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