On discontentment

I wrote this post almost exactly three years ago and I am embarrassed to admit that almost nothing has changed in my heart since. I have struggled with discontentment since moving to Garland and only recently have become really convicted and weighed down by and flat out tired of the shame and lack of gratitude that dwells deep inside my heart. I have been thinking a lot about contentment lately and I hope to one day soon write out all that I am learning, but before I do it may be helpful to know where I am coming from. Below is a snippet of the past three years of my life and the daily struggle of not being grateful for or happy with where I live. It has not been a fun place to be. I am so hopeful that peace and joy and contentment are coming, but I am learning that those things are disciplines to fight for. And the struggle is real, ya'll.

This post has zero to do with adoption, but because these are the thoughts of my heart as of late, I decided to share them anyway....lucky you!

Since my last post, a lot has changed in our little lives. DJ has started his new job and we have moved.... to Garland. Garland is an area that I knew very little about (and still do, seeing as how I am only 12 days in), but I had gathered enough from people's responses to get that it wasn't the most sought after area. Whenever I mentioned to people that we were moving to Garland, the response I often received was something of a shudder with an aura of "Ewww, Garland." For someone who was perfectly happy in their pretty little suburban life while equally being terrified of change and all things new, this was a less than encouraging vibe to receive from others. My heart responded to it with a ton of fear and shame. Don't get me wrong though;  I am guilty of doing the same thing.  I know for a fact that every time someone tells me they are moving to Houston, my response is all too quickly to say "Eww, Houston. I hate Houston." But I am going to try to stop that.... because I have learned that it's not the most comforting thing to say to someone in the midst of chaos and transition and moving, all of which are scary enough on their own.

My first week here was hard and I don't think I am out of the woods yet. I think I will struggle for a while. Apparently I hate change so it's been hard for me that everything is new and different. It's not nearly as nice or pretty or well kept as Flower Mound. It's older, run down, lower income even. The houses in my neighborhood are fine, but it's not like where I came from. There is a lot of variety. Some people care about their yards; others don't. Some people want to upkeep their homes; others don't share that same priority. In Flower Mound, everywhere you drive is pretty and clean and expensive looking. And while there are some nice areas around my new home, there are also some not as nice areas. So I'll just be brutally honest and say that my pride has been disgustingly exposed since coming here. I have been ashamed to tell people that we live here. I am embarrassed to admit that I have actually said things like, "I don't want to be associated with this town. I want to be associated with the pretty, well kept, cookie cutter suburban life with beautiful yards, where everyone looks and talks like me. I want to give people the {false} impression that we have money and are well-to-do and have it all together." And my flesh does want those things.... right now.... because that is what feels normal and comfortable and safe to me.

I was talking to my counselor the other day (and complaining and crying about all of these things) when she simply said, "It sounds to me like the Lord has given you all the things you prayed for." And the light bulb went off. She is right. As much as we love (LOVE) our old area, we felt like the Lord was leading us out of it. The suburbs are not bad; in fact I love them a little too much. But in recent years we began wanting out of the suburban, mostly Christian, mostly Caucasian bubble. We desired more diversity, less perfection and pressure. And now we have all these things. But just because it's an answer to prayer does not mean that it has been easy. I long to go back home to familiarity. I miss my friends who are no longer five minutes away but are now forty. I fear making new friends; I literally, no joke, don't believe that new friendships will exist here. And I just want things to look pretty and perfect because I think that says something about me and somehow I feel glorified in it.

My heart is ugly, ya'll. I have walked in arrogance; I have thought that I am better than this place. And yet in all this change and despite all my pride, Jesus is teaching and correcting and covering me in so much grace. I am identifying with Him in new ways that I am so grateful for.  Most specifically that He is the God of the universe and yet He stepped down from the glories of Heaven to enter into this broken world. He did not come in as a pampered, pompous or privileged ruler like He deserved to. Instead, He was born in the humble town of Bethlehem, a small, quiet, insignificant town that had little to boast of. He grew up in Nazareth, the backwoods, trailer park part of town that was less than significant or sophisticated... so much so that when Phillip told Nathanael that he had found the Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, Nathanael's response was, "Ewww. Can anything good come from Nazareth?" But get this: Jesus was not ashamed to be from those places. He dwelt among the people there, and in humility and meekness He associated with, loved and served them. He identified Himself as one of them. I wish my heart could possess even a sliver of that kind of humility.

I am obviously not comparing the suburbs to Heaven, but in my current state of mind, they honestly do seem to be just as glorious. So I have been thinking about Jesus in this a lot lately.  John 13:15-17 tells me that I am not greater than my Master, that I am to follow in His example, and that I am blessed if I walk out in what I know. So, if Jesus can leave Heaven to enter into the lowly brokenness of this world, then I can leave the glories of Flower Mound and embrace my new, less than sought after, city. If Jesus didn't enter the world with pride and arrogance, than I shouldn't enter Garland that way either. It has not been easy, but I am fighting to love my new city with humility, joy, genuineness and gratitude. I am daily having to remind myself that my identity is not in my city, but in my God. It's been a wrestle, but in it I have found joy and peace.

This perspective has slowly begun to help me to get over myself and my fears and try to learn (and love) Garland. Secretly,  there are a lot of things that I have actually even enjoyed here, though a lot of times I am too fearful or cautious or prideful to admit it. For one thing, there is diversity. And a lot of it. My new Walmart is full of the nations. Different religions, cultures, and languages are evident as I walk down each aisle. My new neighborhood is equally as diverse... both in ethnicity and socioeconomic status. Various languages float over the fence and fill our backyard, and while it is new and different and sometimes uncomfortable, I also think it's good. Because we are about to be a transracial family and if I say that I value it in my family then I best value it in my community too.  Diversity is good and God-given and I am genuinely excited that Moses will grow up with the nations in his backyard. Other little gems that I have come across: We have a pretty amazing coffee shop that feels like Roots in Highland Village and just being there makes me exhale a little bit and tell myself that I will be okay, that I will survive here, because they have a cozy little coffee shop with local artists and live music and good coffee (praisethelord). There are antique shops and a community theater and a cute town square, all of which feels like Denton but much less hip, which is okay because I'm not hip in the least. And, can I just say that the people here are so dang friendly?! They are probably friendly in Flower Mound too, but I never needed to notice because I felt safe and comfortable there. But here, I walk around petrified nearly all of the time, and the friendliness of a stranger is oh so welcomed. One of my dearest friends is ten minutes away, a new friend even closer, and a local church, though farther out, has already reached out and embraced us with such love and care. I have found a CS Lewis book club, a Christian based pregnancy resource center, and a Bible Study Fellowship, which might not sound like a big deal, but guys, I was believing the lie that Christians didn't live in this city, so I have been relieved to see Jesus in it's midst. Also, there is a Target, which just makes life better no matter where you are. On top of all of this, the story of buying our home in and of itself is evidence of the miraculous provision of God. I am so grateful for my new home, but my fear has tainted it on many a day.

And so, starting now, I am resolving to walk in gratitude, humility and joy.... not shame or pride or anxiety. I know that there is much, much to be thankful for and excited about; lots of new adventures to have and memories to make in this new place I am calling home. I may just need you to remind me on the days that I am trapped in fear.


with love,
cmh