On Discontentment; Part Two

This month marks three years since we moved to Garland. The very week that we moved, I sat under the teaching of a local pastor (not my own, lest you try and figure it out!) who was describing the kind of people that Jesus chose as his disciples. You know, the uneducated, blue collar, money stealing kind of folk that nobody else liked. To give us a bit of urban context and to help us really understand the kind of people that Jesus chose to dwell among and befriend, he referred to them as..... the Garlandites. At the time, I actually remember being really encouraged despite this negative and fairly inappropriate analogy. In the moment that it was spoken, I was able to cast those words aside and instead chose to model after the example of Christ; if Jesus Himself wasn't embarrassed of His city or the people in it, then neither would I be. But over time, that pastor's words left their mark and an identity settled over me that I haven't yet been able to shake. I mean, really. If not even a local Dallas pastor can have a heart for Garland, then what did that say about me?

Three years ago, my discontentment started small: with my city, my neighborhood, and my home. Since then, it has only grown. It has included everything from my image and fashion (or lack thereof; see my previous post, On Being Girly), to my social circles and the uncertainty of where I belong (hello, why did nobody tell me that I would still struggle with this in my thirties?!), and has extended well past our home and on to the things we fill it with. This last one? It's the thorn in my flesh as of late. And it is never-ending. I have become convinced that things like comparison, jealousy, and discontentment are where the soul goes to die.

Somewhere along the way, I totally bought into the American Dream. I thought that the older you get, the more stuff you have and the nicer that stuff is. Nevermind that this myth is in complete contradiction to real life, because at least in my case, the older I've gotten, the more kids I have and the more they eat all our food and ruin all our stuff. I believed the lie that when you are in your thirties it's no longer stressful when your heater breaks or your car needs maintenance or your kid gets a virus and you buy all the medicine from all the stores hoping to make it go away. For some reason, I thought money fell from the sky like manna and that real grown ups in their thirties would laugh in the face of unexpected expenses because they would obviously have all the resources to handle it. And perhaps the biggest lie of all? I have come to believe that homes are less about shelter and safety and family and community and hospitality and memories and rest and more about a place to showcase all my trinkets in hopes that they would paint an amazing picture of who I am. And by who I am, what I really mean is who I want to be.

It's all lies. And quite honestly, I have believed them good and well. I'm not even sure what my deal is because DJ and I are doing perfectly fine. We have all that we need. We eat too well, go on dates, take little trips, have a lot of second dinners, and have a lovely home that the Lord miraculously provided for us. We are not struggling or hurting or anxious, and like Paul mentions in Philippians 4, we have walked through seasons of plenty (hello freshly married two income couple without kids! We were rich and didn't even know it!) to seasons of need where it literally felt like God was stripping our money like Gideon's army (hello two layoffs that we didn't know were coming and how they ended up being the best times of our lives!). And in both times of abundance and times of uncertainty, He has provided more than we could ever imagine and Has cared for each of our needs in full.

But just because we have all that we need and then some doesn't mean that my heart isn't always longing for bigger. And better. And more. And it certainly doesn't mean I don't struggle to want all the stuff I don't have. Or to be more accurate, wanting the appearance of being able to afford those things even if I don't actually want them myself. And just because we are doing okay, doesn't mean we aren't making sacrifices. Because we are. A lot of them. Choosing to say yes to staying at home with my kids means that we are also choosing to say no to a plethora of other things and it's not always easy. In fact, it can be really hard. So often I find myself just wishing to get to the place where buying the kids clothes and paying school tuition and getting my nails done just for fun could feel less like things that make my pits sweat and more like things I can do with a kind of carefree spirit that lets us do all the fun and extra things without it feeling like they are such a big decision every time. And each time I have this thought, I feel like the Spirit intercedes and reminds me that maybe we will never have that kind of freedom with money. Maybe we will always be kept in a place of having just what we need, with little to nothing more, so that each decision is one we have to take before the Lord and ask for His wisdom and guidance and direction rather than moving on without considering Him at all. Which is exactly what I would do if I were in the position to do so.

God is teaching me a lot about discontentment and the love of money these days. He is showing me things like...

The bible has so much to say about finances and possessions and none of it sounds like the American Dream to me. From what I am learning, and as Melissa Kruger has so eloquently put it, the biblical expectation of the Christian life is not one of upward mobility, but of humble service. It is not presented as a life of ease, but one of toil and struggle; a life frequently compared to that of a battle, a marathon, or childbirth rather than a climb up the corporate ladder into a cloud made of money. I've never fought in a battle because I'm not interested in dying, and I've never competed in a marathon because I don't like signing myself up for hard on purpose, but I have experienced natural childbirth and that example alone is enough to help me understand that my short time here on earth is perhaps more about labor and strife than I want it to be.

The bible also says that riches and honor and the earth and everything in it comes from God, but that each of those things are to be used for Him and His glory instead of on myself. Just a little PSA: that's not my natural tendency with money. I want all the clothes and all the date nights and all the food. All for myself, and a little bit for DJ. And none for my kids, because when it comes to food I agree with Joey from Friends:

God warns us not to put our hope or peace in our wealth because it can dwindle in a moment, but to put our trust in Him and His Kingdom, both of which will last forever.

Even more contrary to popular belief, the bible says that the more we give away, the more we will have, the more our riches will increase, and the more joy and peace and contentment we will find. If I didn't believe the bible was the absolute true word of God, I would think that might be the biggest oxymoron I ever heard, because everything in me thinks that sounds just a little bit backwards and I have a hard time following through with that command and believing in what it says.

The bible goes on. It says that the righteous give freely and do not hold back, but this is also a hard one for me because everything in my heart seems to scream otherwise, similar to the way a toddler yells "MINE!" when faced with the dilemma of sharing or hoarding. The truth is, I really am just a big toddler at heart, it's just not socially appropriate for me to behave like one in public.

God also counsels us that wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but that saving little by little leads to great growth, which is good news for us, because little by little is all we have.

Proverbs 15 alone had a lot to teach me about discontentment and love of money. It says that the home of the righteous has much treasure, but my favorite thing about this is that I'm pretty sure that treasure has nothing to do with bank accounts and material items but everything to do with peace and joy and comfort and love, all of which truly are the greater treasures, are they not? That passage goes on to say that it is better to have a little with fear of the Lord, than a lot of money and all the trouble that comes with it. Even more convicting is when it says a simple dinner with friends and loved ones is better than a fancy dinner full of hatred. Do you want to know an honest little secret? My heart has responded to Pinterest and social media and magazines and real life friends by actually becoming embarrassed of my home and no longer wanting to have people in it. Because my home doesn't look perfect and it's not lovely or the most up to date or look like everyone else's and apparently I'd rather shut myself in and become a recluse than let people see my unfarmhoused home. Not only am I tempted to stop having people over, but I also struggle to go to others' homes as well because apparently it's a breeding ground for the discontentment in my heart. It turns into a battle every time, as I look around at what others have and how fresh and pretty and trendy their homes look compared to mine, and I come home feeling like I'm just not cool or rich or decorative enough.

My heart is ugly and yet there is further instruction for me still. God says that wisdom and understanding are better than money and integrity and that a good name is better than riches, but sometimes I truly believe that wooden counter tops and white cabinets and new furniture would be better than dealing with the intricacies of my heart.

God tells us that one's life does not consist in the abundance of our possessions, that the things we have do not last, that we cannot take them with us when we die, that the point of our possessions is to share with those in need, and that it is possible to find peace and contentment in even the most limited and lacking of seasons.

He tells me not to be afraid when another man grows rich or the glory of his home increases and reminds me that no one takes any of it with them when they die, but afraid and jealous and comparing is exactly what I do despite His sound instruction that encourages me otherwise.

There are many warnings to the rich, such as how hard it is for them to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, how easily it can lead to greed and stinginess, how it can actually result in great lack, how riches are unable to satisfy, how money can lead to oppression, and how with it many are tempted away from God. And yet I want all those things despite the red flag warnings that come with them.

The bible probably says a lot more on the subject, but these are the ones I'm working through right now. Obviously God has a lot to say about this struggle of mine. And obviously I still have a lot to learn.

I've been doing Jennie Allen's bible study called Stuck and in it she refers to this blog post from Katie Davis Majors. It was so good that I thought I'd make my own similar list of sacrifices we are making and joys we are finding in this season. Things like:

• I want a nice yard with beautiful landscaping, but even more than that I am thankful that my husband chooses to devote a simple hour and half to yard work each week that keeps the yard nice and trimmed, rather than spending the entire weekend in the yard making it beautiful while we are in a season of littles who need their daddy and a momma who needs his help. I keep reminding myself that a day is coming when the boys will be older and bigger and can help their daddy in the yard and it will be a win win that they can bond and make the yard beautiful at the same time, but right now it's more of a win to have daddy helping inside rather than out and I am more than okay with that. We may not have freshly planted flowers but we do have weeds and sidewalk chalk and muddy diggers and that's just the reality of what our life looks like right now. 

• I really, really want a pretty rug on my living room floor, but more than I want to spend several hundred dollars, I've settled on introducing my kids to the joy and simplicity of pallets made of blankets because that's what my mom did for me and I have the fondest memories of being cuddled up and watching TGIF with her for the entire duration of the 90's. And let's be honest, the pallet is more comfortable than a rug anyway and has led to countless hours of snuggling and reading and wrestling and pillow fights and good father-son time, none of which we were having near this much of when we were palletless. It's hot pink and ghetto and it's become a permanent part of our living room so don't judge us the next time you come over. Plus, Crosby (and probably my kids, too) would just pee on a new rug anyway so the pallet life is here to stay for now. 

• I would love to go shopping whenever I feel like it and have a date night out once a week and get my hair and nails done and have all the massages in the world and DJ keeps telling me that I can have all these things and more if I want them. I just need to go and get a job if so. But more than I want those things and the job that would allow me to buy them, I want to stay at home with my boys and raise them and educate them and disciple them and watch them grow up because it really does happen in the blink of an eye. It's a blessing to stay at home and I want to be more thankful for that than all the manicures money could buy. Except just kidding because if I went and got a job, I couldn't afford manicures because I would be paying for child care. Duh.

• More than all the promotions and all the money, late work nights, business trips, and increased hours that comes with them, I praise God for my husband who has willingly put a cap on how high of a position he will take in this season because he values being at home with our family and wants to spend the little bit of time he has with our boys before its time to tuck them in at night. Also, I am so thankful for his heart that has found so much joy and fulfillment in ministry and non-profits even when the corporate world clearly has so much more to offer. He's choosing to make big career sacrifices in this season and that is something I don't want to change for the world.

• It'd be really great to have new furniture, but more than that I don't want snot and pee and flattened cushions that inevitably happens when living with children and I am striving hard to just embrace the older, perfectly fine, decently cute, and comfortable deep cushioned couches we already have. 

• I really wish I had chosen neutral paint colors for my house like everyone else has, but instead of re-painting the walls I am trying to be content with the color that we have. It might not be featured on Pinterest, but I want to remember that color is fun and breathes life into space and that it's okay for my home to look like me instead if like you, even if I secretly wished it was the other way around.

• I'd like to have a never ending supply of play money. When we were young marrieds, we each got about $200 spending money a month, but now that we are parents with two kids and live on a single income, we each get $30 which sounds laughable in comparison but has proven to be plenty. Really, when all I spend money on is books and the occasional dinner with friends, I'm pretty sure that the little I have is more than enough and I am grateful. For every season that God has stripped us down, He has proven that a little is all we really need. 

• Sometimes I feel pressure to sign my kids up for all the things but I don't know why when DJ and I don't even want to spend our time or money on those things right now. So instead, I will fight to be thankful for simple days where we get to stay in our PJ's until 4:00 and never feel rushed to be out the door by any certain point and have nobody's schedule to adhere to but our own. I know that the days of schedules and games and classes and places to be are one day coming and I'm not in any hurry to get there. 

• A pool! It would be really fun to have a pool in our backyard. But the reality is that we cannot afford a home with a pool so we've settled for the blow up kind. And it's ugly and embarrassing, but my kids don't notice or care and I'm trying not to either. Sometimes we put water in it. And sometimes, we just fill it with blankets and wrestle around instead. Just making the most of our money, ya'll.

• Oh, and I really really want a clean house. Before we had kids, I cleaned once a week and freaked out any time I saw footprints on our floor. But now? The house is picked up and it's the most I am willing to do in this season. Because if I mopped the floor, I would never let my kids play in the sprinklers or dig in the dirt because heaven forbid they drag those kind of footprints through the house and make my work be all in vain. I would also never let them eat because my lanta, crumbs galore. So instead, I choose not to mop and my house isn't spotless, but my kids are (hopefully) having fun and I have got to learn to be okay with that for now, even when a little bit of me really does die inside over every grain of sand or bread crumb on the floor. 

I could go on and on (and on) (and on) but I think I've made my point: Discontentment is a beast and contentment is a discipline that I am discovering is hard to obtain. But I am trying. Between fits of jealousy and late night tears and all the comparison that I battle in a day, I really am trying. And little by little, I am coming to appreciate this season, and all the simplicity and joy and pallets and white trash blow up pools that come with it.

Much love,
courtney

On discontentment

I wrote this post almost exactly three years ago and I am embarrassed to admit that almost nothing has changed in my heart since. I have struggled with discontentment since moving to Garland and only recently have become really convicted and weighed down by and flat out tired of the shame and lack of gratitude that dwells deep inside my heart. I have been thinking a lot about contentment lately and I hope to one day soon write out all that I am learning, but before I do it may be helpful to know where I am coming from. Below is a snippet of the past three years of my life and the daily struggle of not being grateful for or happy with where I live. It has not been a fun place to be. I am so hopeful that peace and joy and contentment are coming, but I am learning that those things are disciplines to fight for. And the struggle is real, ya'll.

This post has zero to do with adoption, but because these are the thoughts of my heart as of late, I decided to share them anyway....lucky you!

Since my last post, a lot has changed in our little lives. DJ has started his new job and we have moved.... to Garland. Garland is an area that I knew very little about (and still do, seeing as how I am only 12 days in), but I had gathered enough from people's responses to get that it wasn't the most sought after area. Whenever I mentioned to people that we were moving to Garland, the response I often received was something of a shudder with an aura of "Ewww, Garland." For someone who was perfectly happy in their pretty little suburban life while equally being terrified of change and all things new, this was a less than encouraging vibe to receive from others. My heart responded to it with a ton of fear and shame. Don't get me wrong though;  I am guilty of doing the same thing.  I know for a fact that every time someone tells me they are moving to Houston, my response is all too quickly to say "Eww, Houston. I hate Houston." But I am going to try to stop that.... because I have learned that it's not the most comforting thing to say to someone in the midst of chaos and transition and moving, all of which are scary enough on their own.

My first week here was hard and I don't think I am out of the woods yet. I think I will struggle for a while. Apparently I hate change so it's been hard for me that everything is new and different. It's not nearly as nice or pretty or well kept as Flower Mound. It's older, run down, lower income even. The houses in my neighborhood are fine, but it's not like where I came from. There is a lot of variety. Some people care about their yards; others don't. Some people want to upkeep their homes; others don't share that same priority. In Flower Mound, everywhere you drive is pretty and clean and expensive looking. And while there are some nice areas around my new home, there are also some not as nice areas. So I'll just be brutally honest and say that my pride has been disgustingly exposed since coming here. I have been ashamed to tell people that we live here. I am embarrassed to admit that I have actually said things like, "I don't want to be associated with this town. I want to be associated with the pretty, well kept, cookie cutter suburban life with beautiful yards, where everyone looks and talks like me. I want to give people the {false} impression that we have money and are well-to-do and have it all together." And my flesh does want those things.... right now.... because that is what feels normal and comfortable and safe to me.

I was talking to my counselor the other day (and complaining and crying about all of these things) when she simply said, "It sounds to me like the Lord has given you all the things you prayed for." And the light bulb went off. She is right. As much as we love (LOVE) our old area, we felt like the Lord was leading us out of it. The suburbs are not bad; in fact I love them a little too much. But in recent years we began wanting out of the suburban, mostly Christian, mostly Caucasian bubble. We desired more diversity, less perfection and pressure. And now we have all these things. But just because it's an answer to prayer does not mean that it has been easy. I long to go back home to familiarity. I miss my friends who are no longer five minutes away but are now forty. I fear making new friends; I literally, no joke, don't believe that new friendships will exist here. And I just want things to look pretty and perfect because I think that says something about me and somehow I feel glorified in it.

My heart is ugly, ya'll. I have walked in arrogance; I have thought that I am better than this place. And yet in all this change and despite all my pride, Jesus is teaching and correcting and covering me in so much grace. I am identifying with Him in new ways that I am so grateful for.  Most specifically that He is the God of the universe and yet He stepped down from the glories of Heaven to enter into this broken world. He did not come in as a pampered, pompous or privileged ruler like He deserved to. Instead, He was born in the humble town of Bethlehem, a small, quiet, insignificant town that had little to boast of. He grew up in Nazareth, the backwoods, trailer park part of town that was less than significant or sophisticated... so much so that when Phillip told Nathanael that he had found the Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, Nathanael's response was, "Ewww. Can anything good come from Nazareth?" But get this: Jesus was not ashamed to be from those places. He dwelt among the people there, and in humility and meekness He associated with, loved and served them. He identified Himself as one of them. I wish my heart could possess even a sliver of that kind of humility.

I am obviously not comparing the suburbs to Heaven, but in my current state of mind, they honestly do seem to be just as glorious. So I have been thinking about Jesus in this a lot lately.  John 13:15-17 tells me that I am not greater than my Master, that I am to follow in His example, and that I am blessed if I walk out in what I know. So, if Jesus can leave Heaven to enter into the lowly brokenness of this world, then I can leave the glories of Flower Mound and embrace my new, less than sought after, city. If Jesus didn't enter the world with pride and arrogance, than I shouldn't enter Garland that way either. It has not been easy, but I am fighting to love my new city with humility, joy, genuineness and gratitude. I am daily having to remind myself that my identity is not in my city, but in my God. It's been a wrestle, but in it I have found joy and peace.

This perspective has slowly begun to help me to get over myself and my fears and try to learn (and love) Garland. Secretly,  there are a lot of things that I have actually even enjoyed here, though a lot of times I am too fearful or cautious or prideful to admit it. For one thing, there is diversity. And a lot of it. My new Walmart is full of the nations. Different religions, cultures, and languages are evident as I walk down each aisle. My new neighborhood is equally as diverse... both in ethnicity and socioeconomic status. Various languages float over the fence and fill our backyard, and while it is new and different and sometimes uncomfortable, I also think it's good. Because we are about to be a transracial family and if I say that I value it in my family then I best value it in my community too.  Diversity is good and God-given and I am genuinely excited that Moses will grow up with the nations in his backyard. Other little gems that I have come across: We have a pretty amazing coffee shop that feels like Roots in Highland Village and just being there makes me exhale a little bit and tell myself that I will be okay, that I will survive here, because they have a cozy little coffee shop with local artists and live music and good coffee (praisethelord). There are antique shops and a community theater and a cute town square, all of which feels like Denton but much less hip, which is okay because I'm not hip in the least. And, can I just say that the people here are so dang friendly?! They are probably friendly in Flower Mound too, but I never needed to notice because I felt safe and comfortable there. But here, I walk around petrified nearly all of the time, and the friendliness of a stranger is oh so welcomed. One of my dearest friends is ten minutes away, a new friend even closer, and a local church, though farther out, has already reached out and embraced us with such love and care. I have found a CS Lewis book club, a Christian based pregnancy resource center, and a Bible Study Fellowship, which might not sound like a big deal, but guys, I was believing the lie that Christians didn't live in this city, so I have been relieved to see Jesus in it's midst. Also, there is a Target, which just makes life better no matter where you are. On top of all of this, the story of buying our home in and of itself is evidence of the miraculous provision of God. I am so grateful for my new home, but my fear has tainted it on many a day.

And so, starting now, I am resolving to walk in gratitude, humility and joy.... not shame or pride or anxiety. I know that there is much, much to be thankful for and excited about; lots of new adventures to have and memories to make in this new place I am calling home. I may just need you to remind me on the days that I am trapped in fear.


with love,
cmh