On being girly

I've never felt very good at being girly. Let me get it out of the way: I am not talking about feminism or womanhood or anything remotely deep in nature. No, no. It is just as surfaced as it sounds. I really am just talking about being girly. Like, looking cute and stuff. Because in my head, being girly means looking super stylish and put together (even on a top knot and sweatpants kind of day), always smelling good, accessorizing, and being awesome at decor with a super cute Pinterest home....none of which I am or have.

Admittedly, I have been observing girls since college, both with the jealousy of not quite fitting in as well as adamant refusal to follow the unspoken rules of being girly. Things like:

• Always ordering salads at restaurants. I vehemently refuse. Why would I order leaves when everything else tastes so dang good, not to mention that the restaurant can make all the heavy, fatty, fried foods a bajillion times better than I ever could so that is precisely the place I want to eat them. So instead, I order my chicken fried steak smothered in gravy and I look like a heifer compared to my friends and I have refused to order a black bean burger when I could get mine all beefy and delicious and smothered in bacon and cheese.

• Not drinking through a straw to avoid getting upper lip wrinkles, all the while drinking through a straw so that coffee won't stain my teeth. This is quite the contradiction, is it not? Whatever is a girl to do?! My solution to this is obvious. Coffee through an IV drip because duh.

• Not rubbing my eyes because wrinkles. Except have you ever rubbed your eyes after having contacts glued to them for the past 16 hours? It's a bit orgasmic if I dare say so myself and I am learning that I need to stop for the sake of old age and wrinkles and being girly and I feel a genuine tension at the thought of giving this one up. Orgasmic I tell you!

Except here's the thing. It seems like girls have been on to something this whole time. Because somewhere along the way I have found myself in my thirties and all of a sudden these things matter and make a difference and I am so far behind and WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THESE SEEMINGLY STUPID RULES HAD REASON BEHIND THEM?! Because I kept eating my chicken fried steak and now I have the cellulite to show it. And I feel like crap afterwards and end up wishing I had ordered the salad after all. And then I became a mom and drank all the coffee and apparently yellow teeth are the only accessory I have to don. And eye wrinkles! Last year I discovered that mine literally connect to my smile lines, which basically just creates one large fold going down the side of my face, except it's on both sides and and hello, that's a whole lot of wrinkle. Although I still struggle with this one, because rubbing my eyes is quite possibly one of the best feelings in the world, and then there is the fact that if you look at a single picture of me in high school, my eyes are blank and my smile is fake and I look lost and confused and sad and there may not be a single line on my face but neither is there any joy. So I may have crows feet and laugh lines but they are evidence of so much fun and laughter and life and that's not something I'm sure I want to trade.

So, back to being girly. I suddenly want in the club. And I need your help because I don't have a clue. Also, I am cheap. I find it hard to be girly when I could spend $80 dollars on perfume or a single pair of trendy shoes, or spend that same amount at Target and get 6 shirts. I can be a real cheapo and therein lies a debaucle. Also, I really, really do want to learn to take better care of myself in this regard and yet I want to do so without caring too much about what I look like or smell like or decorate with. I want to take care of my skin and my hair and my body without putting too much weight on my outward appearance. That is also a debaucle, because I am saying that I want help looking girly all the while not wanting to care too much about these things that are truly temporary and wasting away. I'm not entirely sure that's possible.

So there you have it. And here are the places I want your tips:

• My hair. I have only ever known how to straighten it or wear it in a pony tail. That is as fancy as it gets over here, ya'll. And you want to know something top secret? Every time I curl it, I feel like a fraud. Like someone who thinks they know what they are doing but clearly doesn't and the joke's on her. I've stopped fixing my hair every day because pregnancy and nursing basically murdered it and also, my down time is about a nanosecond long and I'll be damned if I spend that sweet time blow drying my hair. So I have been letting it air dry and I really am trying to like it, but I just don't. It's curly in the back in a rats nest kind of way and straight and stringy in the front. What is that? So I need your help on products and how to fix it and what to do that takes literally zero time and effort and still comes out looking good. And for the rare occasions that I fix it, I need help on knowing what to do. Because straightening it is killing it and I just can't do it anymore. Tutorials don't work, so be prepared to give me hands on help. Lucky you! Oh, and news flash: I've decided to grow out my bangs. If there was ever a test of perseverance, this is it. Wish me luck and send me all your cute solutions for awkward bang lengths.

• Power Colors! Have ya'll heard about this? It's the colors and tones that look best on you and apparently make you come alive and once you discover them you'll never go back. Ya'll I need this in my life. I used to be all about the bright colors. And then in 2012, we lost two babies and my wardrobe died right alongside them. I've been wearing greys and blacks and charcoals ever since and I haven't turned back. But, I want a color that makes me look alive! And brings out the natural colors of my skin and eyes and lips because hello, I just think that sounds fun. Except, someone needs to help a sister out because when I try to take the online test to discover my power color, it expects me to know my skin tone and whether I look better in silver or gold and what colors make me look washed out and hello, if I knew the answers to these questions I wouldn't need help being girly now would I? So can someone just make my life easier and tell me what my power color is and then go buy all the clothes that make me pop?!

• Speaking of new clothes, capsule wardrobes and Stitch Fix are things I want but are too cheap to do. I really, really want to simplify my wardrobe. Let's be honest, I basically live 98% of my life in sweatpants and fuzzy socks and a hoodie anyway. I know, DJ is so lucky. But in order to simplify my wardrobe, I first need to buy all the essentials and they should be good quality, made to last, and as we have already established... I am cheap. And then there are trendy clothes, meshed with the fact that I am always about 3 years behind whatever is in style and am not typically gutsy or confident enough to wear what is currently in. So, I have too many clothes and none of them are in style, and someone help me here please. Any by help me, I just mean go buy the clothes for me. You can be my Stitch Fix stylist for free because that is what I am willing to pay. Just kidding. Kind of.

• Perfume! Except just kidding. I just put this one in here to give my husband the shout out he deserves. Because this year I decided that I wanted to smell nice. Like, actually smell nice with real perfume and everything and not just $12 lotion from Bath & Body Works because I am too stinking (literally) cheap to buy anything else. So I went to Sephora and checked out the perfume section except whoa, that is overwhelming and how is a girl supposed to choose from 900 gazillion bottles? But I took home a sample and I really liked it but then I ran out and because I am cheap, I didn't want to buy the real bottle. And then yesterday afternoon the doorbell rang and UPS had dropped off a pressie with my name on it. I opened it up and low and behold, DJ had bought me the perfume that he knew I wanted but would never buy. Because he loves me. Or maybe because he thinks I stink. But either way I have perfume now and that is a win.

• Hand cream! Yall, this weather. My hands are so dry and cracked and look like an old lady's. I want some kind of thick, delicious smelling hand cream that feels good for hours after it's been applied. Suggestions please.  

• Face things. Confession: I never wash my face. Unless you count using body wash when I shower which hardly counts at all. I sleep with make up on and it doesn't even gross me out. But I am getting old as is evidenced by wrinkles and the fact that my eyes are super puffy in the morning and I assume it's about time I start taking care of my face, eh? My skin is sensitive so I am curious about face wash and astringent and quality lotion. Oh and face masks! My new favorite thing. Because my almost brother in law bought me a coffee ground face mask from Lush and I made DJ do it with me for a date night and it was heavenly. I need more of these things in my life. What are your go to items?

If there is anything being a mom has made me want, aside from boys who grow up into God fearing men, it is to be pampered. It is all I want now. This year for my birthday I want to spend all my time and all my money on manicures and pedicures and a makeover and a Chinese foot massage and a power color appointment and someone telling me what hair and make up and skin care products to get and how to use them. That is my dream, and you are welcome to join me.

Alright, ya'll. Make me a woman!