Mom Thoughts On The Internet

I'm thinking out loud here. This post is not pointing fingers and it's not based on anything that other people do. It's my own introspection on the things I've been wrestling through as of late. And, I hope it will invite dialogue as well. I would love to know other people's thoughts and how they have navigated through these very things. Seriously.

That being said, I think a lot about the internet and technology. This is probably because on some level I think I am addicted to it- to always being connected, to not wanting to miss out on updates, to always having something to do or respond to online, to getting to check out and do something mindless, etc. It's all so wonderful, isn't it? And let's not forget the fact that I literally feel naked and panicky when I don't have my phone on me. I know that I'm not alone; is this not how the majority of our society functions? But my own struggles with technology feel unhealthy to me and I am constantly trying to evaluate how to use it well... especially in regards to my parenting.

I am the first to admit that I am a total mom on the internet. Ninety-nine percent of my posts are about my kids: a) because I love them. b) because ninety-nine percent of my time is spent with them, so what else am I going to post about? and c) because I am biased and just think they are too dang cute not to gush over. But I've really been thinking about this lately... my compulsive need to share so much about my kids on the WORLD WIDE WEB. It's called World Wide for a reason, and yet here I am so quick to throw their faces and names and lives around on it. I have legitimate questions and I would love to know your thoughts on them. Do you struggle with this too? Do you consider these things before you post? What barriers do you have up to protect your children? Please feel free to comment; I legitimately want to know.

• Why do I feel the need to share every important date, milestone, and sweet moment? Is it not enough for me to cherish those moments alone? For example: a few months ago was the one year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant with Jones. And I posted about it. And then, I gave it some thought and took it down... because I didn't want to unintentionally hurt those struggling to conceive and also because why do other people need to know that? Is it not enough for me to relish that memory alone? Or with my husband? And yet, I struggle to want to compulsively share so much. What is that?!
• What will Moses and Jones think about their entire lives being documented and shared online for all the world to see? Am I invading their privacy? Will they feel hurt or embarrassed by anything I have shared? Am I creating or portraying an online identity for them that is not true to form? Will they even care or will their generation be more narcissistic than our own?
• Have I really considered the implications of what it means that "what goes on the internet stays on the internet"? The things we write, share, text, vox and post literally never go away. They may be deleted on the surface, but they aren't gone for good. Am I putting my child at danger? What wicked and evil things might I be fueling by putting their pictures out there for just anyone to see? Even knowing that I try to protect the intimate and personal details of their lives, is it fair to them that I am posting on their behalf, especially knowing that what I say can't ever really be undone? 
• And honestly, what would I post about if not my kids? They are the majority of my life in this season. I am literally with them all the time. I try to avoid giving political rants and opinions online, date nights are slim these days, and I've outgrown selfies. What else is there to post about if not my kids? Would I be okay to pretty much diminish my online presence if I didn't post about them?!

The kid issue aside, I personally struggle with being flat out sucked into my phone. Our lives and culture not only center around but thrive off of technology. I tend to be an extremist, wanting technology to be an all or nothing type thing, but that is not realistic in this day in age. I use my phone to take pictures, talk with friends, FaceTime family, get recipes, check the weather, look up directions, read the news, do my bible study, check email, and manage my calendar. Nixing it all together might not be the most practical solution. But, there are things to consider. Like the fact that I totally limit my kids' technology use but don't have many restrictions for myself. Our boys aren't allowed to play with our phones, don't have a clue that we own iPads, and don't watch much TV, and yet I feel convicted that my face can so often be glued to my own screen, causing me to be distracted and disengaged from my family. At the end of my life am I really going to look back and wish I was on my phone more? What does it look like to realistically have a healthy relationship with technology in this day and age; in a way that does not interrupt or interfere with my time with my children? I'm asking because I honestly do not know. Some questions I have in this regard are:

• How do I stay connected without becoming consumed? For every text I sent to check in on a friend comes a response that beckons my attention and reply. It is a constant cycle. The answer shouldn't be to not check in with my friends-- they can be a lifeline for me. But how do I do it without being caught up in a digital conversation that could last all day? 
• How do my kids differentiate between mindless play and legitimate use of my phone? I might be making a grocery list, but for all they know Mom is plugged in and disengaged. One thing I aim to do is not to read my bible on my phone. I want my kids to see and value the Word of God so I try to read from the actual book in front of them so they know without a doubt what it is that I am reading and can distinguish it from the ambiguity of my phone. (I honestly wonder if this will even matter to them, growing up in a world where they themselves will likely only ever read the bible on their phones, but, I digress...). Should that logic apply elsewhere? Should I get a paper calendar? Write out my grocery list? Purchase a newspaper? Use a real camera? 
• Why do I feel the need to always check everything? And to look everything up? There used to be a day when I was okay to not remember that actresses name or to not have every questioned answered, but no longer. I take full advantage of all the information at my fingertips but what is really the point? Do I actually need to know all the crap that I spend time looking up?
• What am I communicating to my boys when I am on my phone in front of them? I know that when I am online I am more impatient, irritable, distracted, rushed and tied up all while being less present and engaged than I ever want to be. Am I communicating that my phone is more important than them? Do they feel like they come second? Will they one day think I am a hypocrite for so heavily protecting their use of technology while I am so tied up in my own? 
• What does it look like for me to restrict and limit their technology without totally cutting them off from the world that they live in? Technology is not going away. It will be what they grow up with, how they function, and what they know. So how do I help him know how to engage and navigate that world without it becoming their everything?

A while ago (read: a year ago) I created some boundaries for me and my boyfriend, The Internet. And then I never followed through because it was just too hard. But, I've really tried this week. And you know what? It has been good. I have been more present with my kids. I have gotten to play and observe and enjoy them more than before. My days have drastically slowed down because I was not keeping up with the pace of the internet. And because I wasn't texting so much, not nearly as much conversation was being generated that required a constant response. I am not sure if these things will sustain, but they have been good and helpful in the past few days. I wanted to share them both as an encouragement and guideline for anyone else who may be helped by them, but also because I am curious to know what boundaries you guys have and how I can maybe tweak mine to better serve my family, protect my time, and curb my addiction. I'm all ears if you want to share. My boundaries are:

• Leave my phone on the counter at home. Turn the ringer on so I can hear if someone needs me.
• No phone at the dinner table or at restaurants or on date night. Keep it in my purse (read: toddler backpack). Only answer if I have to.
• No playing on the phone when I am with family or friends.
• Only get on Facebook/Instagram when I have something to post.
• Think before I respond to each text. Is this pressing or can it wait?
• No texting about important issues---- if I need to apologize to someone,  I need to do it in person.
• Don't play on the phone before bed or when I wake up if DJ is also awake. Spend that time with my husband. Am I really choosing my phone over that hunka burnin' love?!
• Take pictures in the moment.... but upload, edit and post them later when I am alone.
• Ask myself if I need to know that, do that, or look that up right now. If not, it can wait.
• Check and respond to email before the boys wake up and after they go to bed. They are my primary job; email can wait. 
• Don't text and drive. I am the worst at this. Seriously though, my cargo is precious and the phone can wait.

 Just some thoughts, for whatever they are worth. I'd love to hear yours as well.

xoxo,
courtney